Whilst I am a doctor, have several degrees and postgraduate qualifications and generally am a woman of sound scientific mind, there is one area (well two areas if you count my belief in psychics) where I suspend all rational and scientific thought and turn into an idiot.
I am on a mission, I have had months of not looking after myself properly and whilst I have still been exercising it is nothing like previous levels of training. I’ve gone from over 10 hours a week to 3 hours, but I have kept eating like I was doing 10.
This week I want desperately to lose 7lbs, I will weigh myself several times a day, eat only vegetables, limited fruit and lean protein (eggs, chicken, venison) until the scales say what I want them to.
I have binned the remaining Easter eggs and have bought in huge quantities of healthy things. The backbone of this plan is my nutribullet blender. The nutribullet is a way of turning vegetables into drinks, it liquidises everything you give it.
This is my breakfast today, spinach, a bashed up banana and some frozen berries, add water and whizz it up. Lunch is more of the same, kale, grapes and apples.
I have cleverly picked a week when this madness will have a minimal impact on my family, the children will not be aware of my stupid and faddish diet and I can indulge in my eating disordered behavior without fear of giving my children weird ideas.
Repetitive daily weighing for me is crucial to the success of my diet, as is the horrible phrase “you don’t deserve to eat X when you weigh Ykg”. Kate Moss said that “nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels” which is total rubbish of course and she obviously has never tried Brie de Meaux on a freshly baked bit of baguette or had sticky toffee pudding. I have to make sure that nothing in my fridge tastes better than the thought of dieting success. This bunny has been in there for a few days and each time I am in the fridge I eat a bit of its ears. So the bunny has just been turned into home baking for my sons rugby team.
Incidentally, my mother believes she is the inventor of Kate Moss’s saying, she is also the inventor of the extreme “grapefruit and tomato diet” and likes to tell me exactly what she eats every single day. Hence why I am keen for my children not to pick up any of this crazy shit from me. My daughter has never seen me weigh myself or talk about my weight and nor will she.
Back to the mad world that I am about to inhabit; if I manage to weigh myself about five times a day, I then don’t fall off the wagon and somehow find myself in the supermarket holding a warm croissant and biting into the end as soon as I walk out. Or eating the crusts of my children’s toast, or standing at the open door of my fridge eating slices of Parma ham.
In 6 weeks time I will be able to exercise like normal again (if all goes well) and can get back to eating like a 100kg bricklayer because I’m using that many calories. Until then, I am going to have to control what goes in my mouth as I can’t cycle and swim and run it all off.
So, the good stuff has been hidden away, I’ve bought loads of vegetables and fruit, I have put batteries in the scales and am weighing myself every time I go to the toilet, I’ve selected a pair of trousers to try on every night and morning until they fit, I have no social obligations this week where I have to eat anything and I am ready to go.
The trouble with the plan is that is 11am and I am hungry, it must be time to weigh myself again.
I do not recommend any of my dieting techniques from a medical point of view, obviously. Obsessively weighing yourself is bad, excluding food groups is bad, living on eggs, kale and grapes is clearly bad. This is something I will do for a week or two and then stop.